rules for online texting

Like anyone else on the internet, I’ve had a bunch of people reach out to me online. I have never truly known their intentions, but I do know that only 2 out of 50 have actually made enough of a mark to become good friends. So in this age of loneliness and creepiness, how do you reach out to someone online without making it boring or awkward? Here’s an inclusive guide for everyone based on my experiences:

1. Message at a normal hour. If it’s past 10 PM and you’re about to hit send on a cold message to someone you barely know, put the phone down. A message at 11:47 PM from a stranger reads as impulsive, unserious and creepy. Message during daylight hours like a person with somewhere to be.

2. Have something to actually say before you reach out. Don’t open with “hey” and then figure it out from there. Know your purpose, the specific question you want to ask, the exact thing you want to discuss, before your fingers touch the keyboard. A message without a destination wastes both your time and theirs. ‘Let’s connect’ is a dead end.

3. Give them a reason to write back. If someone doesn’t know you, a “hi, how are you?” gives them absolutely nothing to work with. Ask a specific question. Reference something they made or said. Propose something concrete. The onus is on you, as the person reaching out, to make a reply feel worthwhile. What made you reach out to this random dp on the internet? If you don’t have a reason, you’re probably better off not texting them.

4. Show some personality. Nobody is excited to respond to a message that could have been sent by a bot. Let some of who you are come through. A bit of wit, a genuine observation, a specific reason why you reached out to this person and not anyone else. Personality is what turns a cold message into an interesting one, and demands a response.

5. Don’t unload your personal struggles on a stranger. You might be going through something hard, but the person you just messaged for the first time is not the right audience for it. Don’t open with how lonely you are, how difficult your life has been, or how badly you needed someone to talk to. It puts an unfair weight on the recipient and, frankly, it will make them want to disengage.

6. Don’t lead with your résumé either. The flip side of oversharing vulnerability is oversharing achievement. Nobody wants to read a highlight reel from someone they’ve never met. If your accomplishments are relevant, they’ll come up naturally. Announcing them unprompted shows insecurity more than confidence.

7. Don’t flatter excessively. A genuine compliment is lovely. Three paragraphs about how brilliant and talented and inspiring someone is before you’ve gotten to your actual point is exhausting and a little suspicious. DO NOT LOVEBOMB

8. Don’t compete with them. If someone shares something they’ve done, resist the urge to immediately match it with something you’ve done. People can feel when they’re being one-upped in conversation. You’re trying to connect, not win.

9. If they don’t respond, stop. Sending a follow-up after a few days is reasonable. Sending a second message when there’s been no reply, then a third, then a fourth, is not getting you anywhere, especially if your text was for an informal reason. Some people are busy. Some aren’t interested. Either way, more messages will not change the outcome, and they will make you look worse.

10. Be respectful, always. This should go without saying, but it clearly doesn’t: treat the person you’re messaging as someone whose time and attention is worth something. Don’t be entitled to a response. Don’t get cold or passive-aggressive if things don’t go your way. Respect is the foundation on which everything else here is built and without it, none of the other rules matter.

Just because you are behind a screen, does not mean you’re anonymous. Treat every interaction like a real life one. The internet has made it possible to reach almost anyone. That’s extraordinary. Most people treat it as ordinary, and most messages reflect that forgettable, careless, or just plain weird. You don’t have to be most people.